I Support Richard Nixon!

Posted on May 30, 2012


Richard Nixon is on the ballot in California and I voted for him – and so did the two other members of the household here.  I am feeling very superior to you, in that he was on the ballot in my state and probably not yours.  I’m doing a jive a$$ end zone dance here – spiking the ball, spiking the punch, grandstanding, you name it – any form of in your face celebration there is, and some yet to be invented.

Part of my delirious joy you see, is that I didn’t get to vote for Dick last time around.  I got close, but that damned Watergate deal messed everything up.  What was the big brouhaha over all that anyway?  A little spying on the stinkin’ lousy Democrats; a little obfuscation, a little obstruction – the ‘boys’ night out was all it was’.

I also loved the campaign slogans.  “In your heart you know he’s right”, “Nixon’s the One”, etc.  “Nixon’s the One” – I found that delightful.  It was so open ended.  You could go anywhere with that one.  ‘Nixon’s the One that got my daughter knocked up’, ‘Nixon’s the One that keeps my clothes sparkling bright and clean’, ‘Nixon’s the One We’ve been waiting for’.  O.K., that last ‘One’ had to wait for our current ‘messiah’.  A friend of mine had a Nixon bumper sticker that he used to display in and around West Los Angeles to provoke liberal Democrats there.  It was that one, “I Support the President – Richard Nixon”.

We had an entertaining interview with a fascinating elderly gentleman by the name of Irving S. Kaufman – 82 years young.  He was at a complete loss as to why we were rallying around the President in his time of crisis.  We mouthed some gibberish in Pig Latin, German, Yiddish and Russian.  The problem we ran into was that he knew all four languages and spoke them fluently.

So you can imagine my euphoria when I looked at my absentee ballot and found the former President on it.  I was flushed with nostalgia.  We also had another bumper sticker commemorating the superb, Olympic level swimming skills of Edward M. Kennedy at Chappaquidick, entitled ‘Ted Kennedy – Unsafe at any speed’.  This of course, was a play on words relating to the campaign spearheaded by Ralph Nader, to get the Chevy Corvair off the road.  You can imagine how that bumper sticker pissed off liberal Dems.

I hadn’t considered that Kennedy (Ted) and Nixon both had the middle initial ‘M’ in their names.  M for Milhaus as in Richard Milhaus Nixon.  In Kennedy’s case, M as in Murderer for Edward Murdered Kopechne.  I think I was driving a 65 Corvair during those times.  That was one of my favorite cars ever – loved it!

As you recall, after Dick resigned office and put the country in charge of the first President with ‘Post Concussion syndrome’, he returned to a quiet law practice.  So, it is not surprising that President Nixon’s first foray back into the thicket of the political jungle is as a candidate for Superior Court Judge out here in Riverside County.  Interestingly enough, Richard Nixon had been serving as a Deputy District Attorney for Riverside County for a number of years.  Local reports have it that Hank Kissinger has been advising Nixon on the campaign and laundering campaign funds.

This profile, according to his website:

In 1988, Richard Nixon became a prosecutor for the Riverside County District Attorney’s Office.  As a Deputy District Attorney, Richard Nixon brought Riverside County’s Drug Court to national prominence. His work was featured on the CBS news program “48 Hours.”

He also became a champion for the environment:

From 1992 to 1994, working with the United States Department of Justice Nixon was assigned to the American Prosecutors Research Institute to develop a national center to support local environmental crime enforcement throughout the United States.

During that time he was called to testify before the United States House of Representatives regarding illegal hazardous waste dumping in Riverside County and throughout the United States. Nixon also trained other attorneys in the prosecution of environmental crimes for the California District Attorneys Association, the National College of District Attorneys, and the University of California, Riverside.

All this time, Richard Nixon and I lived practically in the same city!  Anyway, for those of you that by this time are incredulous and skeptical of my claims of having voted for Dick.  Here’s the proof.  You can take this and subject it to the Adobe Illustrator software and I’m confident that you will find that it is 100 percent genuine:

It’s been a long road back to the top for Richard Nixon, but all of this just shows, I think, that you cannot let the past rule your future.  ‘Akuna Macaca’ – isn’t that the motto from the Lion King?  Oh, wait, excuse me – ‘Hacuna Matata’.  ‘Macaca’ was what got George Allen, the famous football coach of the Los Angeles Rams and the Washington Redskins, in big Bandini  when he was running for the U.S. Senate in Virginia.  He later was killed by a Gatorade shower, when he returned to coaching.  But I’m getting off topic.

Richard Nixon is not the only nationally known figurepersonality to figuratively and literally ‘come back from the dead’, here in the local area.  We also have Sharon L. Tate – Attorney at Law – but she’s not running for a Judgeship and I don’t think her re-emergence is going to have any material effect on Charlie Manson’s parole petition.

Getting back to Richard Nixon.  It occurred to me that since there are so many dead people voting these days – it makes perfect sense to have dead people running for office.  It’s a match, if you will excuse me saying so, ‘made in Heaven’.

By now, you might have noticed that aside from my being a smart ass, Richard Nixon’s middle initial on the ballot is ‘T’.  I hope that’s T for Tolerant and that Mr. Nixon, having the robust sense of humor that he is reputed to have, will ‘pardon me’ for the felonious attempt at juvenile humor (my specialty, according to my critics).  Hey, I did vote for him and endorse him – that’s got to be a mitigating factor (a little legal lingo there) in my favor.

Well, Mr. Nixon, I hope that our votes here in the Blasted Fools household are the one’s that put you over the top and that at some time in the future, I can have an opportunity to meet you in person and address you as ‘Judge Nixon’.

I just hope it is not in your courtroom!