You Deserve A Break Today

Posted on December 13, 2013

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Forget the Dubai Mall or the New South China Mall…THIS is the World’s most expensive shopping mall, and as far as our lawmakers are concerned, you can NEVER have enough shoes.  Imelda Marcos would be scandalized.

Hello Dear Readers.  I’ve been sidelined for awhile by my own inexplicable sense of invincibility.  It’s beyond comprehension or explanation because my ‘bulletproof’ teen years are long behind me.  So it’s lingering immaturity, but in spite of myself and prior warnings, I set up a work ladder underneath the rain gutter on my home to clear them from leaves.  The result?  While standing on the 2nd from top rung, the front right leg of the ladder sunk rapidly into some mushy soil and launched me in the same trajectory as North Korea’s first missile test.

I banged myself up pretty good and contracted a Level 2 Ankle sprain to keep me company.  Misery loves foolhardiness.  They go hand in glove like love and marriage.  I’ve never broken any body part up till now, but to be frank, I’m rather undeserving of good fortune.  My ‘9 Lives’ are used up and as it stands now, I must rely on the good sense the Good Lord did not give me.  I’m nervous.

But I’m on the mend and while Stella may or may not have gotten her groove back, I think I have – however I’ll let you be the judge.  My little personal calamity is an appropriate lead in to my commentary, involving a volitional act that did not end so well.  I suspect by now, you’ve heard of the disturbing story of Tao Hsiao, who after 5 plus hours of shopping till you drop at a multi-level shopping mall –  the Golden Eagle International Shopping Center  in Xuzhou, Jiangsu province, east China – could take no more.  In his case, he literally shopped till he dropped.  After a vigorous disagreement with his girlfriend about the practical limits of how many shoes can sensibly be purchased in one day and worn by one person over a lifetime, she accused Tao of being a killjoy and a skinflint.  Worse yet, he was ‘spoiling Christmas’!  Don’t they execute people over there for less? 

I know some would like to see Grinching a capital offense here, especially retailers.  Hearing from her that he was a heel for not wishing to bankrupt himself in 2014 had to be devastating.  It wouldn’t be to me, because ‘bah-humbugging’ is what my worldview is based on.  Everyone knows it.  To accuse me of it, would be like telling a windstorm that it seriously blows.  No offense taken.  It’s not because I’m not generous.  It has more to do with being a non-conformist.  I may be one of the few, but when I see everybody partying like it’s 1999 and screaming “Eat, Drink and be Merry”, I shudder with trepidation, because the last part of that celebratory phrase is “for tomorrow we shall die”.

But let me pause a moment to just wonder to myself.  Is drawing the line on conspicuous consumption, a violation of the basic tenets of Christmas?  I have a fetish for rhetorical questions, sue me, O.K.?  So, after hearing that missy was going to hit just one last shoe sale, which to put upon young men like Tao is like a doctor telling you just one more incision without anesthesia – he flipped.  That is to say, he flipped over the balcony and plunged seven floors to his instant death.  The mall management spokesholes are rather phlegmatic about the whole episode.  “His body was removed fairly quickly.  He actually landed on one of the stalls below and then fell to the floor so although the store was damaged it meant he didn’t hit anybody.” Nothing to see here folks, let’s move on.  And this – “This is a tragic incident, but this time of year can be very stressful for many people.”  No kidding, really???  That’s a jaw dropping revelation.  OhhMmmGee!  Get out of here!  I suppose the next thing we’re going to learn is that Barack Hussein Obama lied, is lying and will do so again tomorrow. 

I had no elaborate plans to regurgitate the Tao Hsiao tragedy, but a thistle of irony in this lodged in my elastic ankle brace and compelled me to show it to you.  Today’s news brings strong repudiation from various members of the Congress and Senate, as well as responsible government policy groups, against the proposed budget deal being referred to as a ‘Bi-Partisan Budget Compromise’.  This, while there’s still argument about whether one is born ‘bi-partisan’ or if it is just another ‘lifestyle choice’. Reportedly Congressman Paul Ryan who recently had a medical procedure called a ‘politics’ change, is now a progressive.  Think he’d mind if I called him a Tranny?  Ryan’s fingerprints are all over this piece of malarkey.  So are Senator Patty Murray‘s from Washington – but she didn’t have a ‘politics’ change, she’s keeping it real on the Democrat side.  I keep wanting to call her ‘Patsy’, but that’s wrong – that’s what the Republicans are that vote affirmatively on this deal. 

Alright, you say, “where’s this irony you promised?”  Well, let me give you the whole load.  It’s hidden in plain sight.  Do you see who the players are  in this endless shopping ordeal – no, this shopping death march from Hell – are?  The Democrats are your good time girlfriend (five dollar love me long time with inflation indexed) and the stressed out and beleaguered boyfriend, Tao, is you – the tax paying, stagnant income, underemployed chump looking for some mercy from Washington.  There is no mercy from Washington!  There never will be unless we take extreme measures, and I personally am not planning to jump off the railing for that bitch. 

I’m going to dump her.

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