The Buffoon from the Chicago Tribune

Posted on January 14, 2014


If they can make Velveeta disappear – why can they not make pithy columnists and imperial presidents disappear?   Hmmmmmm????

You’ll forgive me if I just take a break from the ordinary format of buttressing my perspectives with documentation, quotes and data points and just vent.  Perhaps I should do so more often and likely I will, because progressives don’t know what to do with the truth when they see it and you rely on your native common sense to sort things out anyway.

A buddy of mine who is part of my email band of gypsies, sent me a thing that some tool, named Rex W. Huppke, who writes at the Tribune – presumably the Chicago Tribune, did on the bogus Velveeta shortage.

The guy thinks he’s a clever, witty son of a female dog in heat, laughing at those of you who feel that  you got handed a bag of guano with this Obamacare disaster, so he snidely cracks wise about a coincidence of Velveeta disappearing from store shelves and the onset of Obamacare.  Here’s a sample of this joker’s smoldering pile:

“Let’s look at the evidence. Obamacare officially went into effect Jan. 1. Before Jan. 1, nobody was talking about a Velveeta shortage.  But after Jan. 1? THAT’S when the Velveeta fountains ran dry. This isn’t speculation, folks, these are just facts. I went to a searchable version of the Affordable Care Act and found no mentions of “Velveeta” or “cheese” or “ban on dips.” Of course, there are also no references to “death panels” or “socialized medicine,” so the absence of specific cheese-related language raises plenty of red flags.

And there’s no way this stops with Velveeta. Soon the U.S. Department of Agriculture will be rationing Stilton and brie and, before you know it, our pizzas will be nothing but dough and sauce. Since Barack Obama was first elected in 2008, I’ve been predicting that the government would eventually try to take away our cheese. That’s why the second-story addition on my house is made entirely of Kraft singles and my basement is lined with a 10-inch layer of Gouda. (I also carry a concealed can of Cheez Whiz at all times.)  But I worry about those who aren’t prepared. I don’t want to see my fellow Americans fall victim to unclogged arteries or the notoriously violent Velveeta black market.”

Is this what represents writing at the Chicago Tribune?  Did this guy witness a labor union murder and trade his silence in for a fixed up gig at the Trib?  I’d call it Tripe, but that would be downgrading Tripe unfairly. There was more, but it was more of the same, and as Popeye famously noted, “Enough is enough, and enough is too much.”  Is it any wonder that people with half a brain, don’t waste time with newspapers anymore?  But it wouldn’t surprise you that there’s enough idiots in Chicago to keep that fish wrap from going under.  In all fairness, I haven’t read the guy’s other stuff, but this just doesn’t speak well of him.  Obamacare is a tragedy unfolding, not a fountain for cheap yucks – unless you’re the sort of person who likes to tell jokes at a funeral service.  My reaction on this to my friend, who was just passing it on and not intending to push my buttons, was the following:

“it’s a joke to this clown, but I’m hearing stories of people whose lives are being turned upside down from this rip-off disaster dubbed Obamacare.  In times past, Japanese men stabbed themselves in the heart because of the shame and disgrace brought upon their family and tribe for things much less injurious to a nation and a society than what Obama has done. What does Obama do? Kill himself? Nope – rewards himself with a deluxe Hawaiian vacation at $4 Million in taxpayer’s expense to the very people he’s betrayed.

If our ‘leaders’ have no honor, we are up to our neck in s—.  As to Velveeta, I looked at that in the grocery store, when it was available, and I can’t fathom why people would pay the absurd sums of money for that fake cheese. Folks, it’s the same thing as Kraft ‘cheese slices’. There is more beef in a McDonald’s hamburger than there is dairy product in a slice of Velveeta ‘cheese’.

He felt a little damaged by my harsh denunciation of Velveeta and I explained:

“No, I was just giving vent to the angry riff I had going. In fact, I was just sorting through the fridge the other day, looking for some plain Yellow mustard and came across a chunk of that V Cheese.  Gonna hafta’ melt it down and do the do with it one way or the other. Maybe get some cauliflower happenin’ and pour it over it. Legitimize it.  Kind of a ‘good for you / bad for you, thang’.”

That’s the kind of jive I sling on email threads when I’m not deadly in earnest.  I’m not mad about Velveeta though, I’m not a ‘hata’ – to be honest, I know it’s junk food, but now and then you go over to the dark side and then you clean yourself up and get back on the road to repentance and upright living.  Velveeta is fine and groovy, just don’t make a regular diet of the stuff.  I know Dr. Oz would support me in that assessment. 

Now, on the other hand, if you’re 89 or older, eat it till it comes out of your ears, because honestly at that point, as Hillary would say, “what difference does it make?”  As a matter of fact, from what I understand, at that age and older – it’s dangerous to start living healthy – you could kill yourself doing that.  Don’t you ever wonder how insane it is that when mom or dad is so old that they have to go to the nursing home, the doctor starts telling the staff to forbid your parent or your aunt from eating baloney meat and M&M’s?  What the hell are they thinking?  Let the person have some enjoyment for Zeus’ sake!  Even marijuana should be totally legal for anyone over the age of 78 – automatically.

Incidentally, I don’t know how people can be so out of it that they can’t buy a clue here.  The reason Velveeta is scarce is simply because you can stockpile the stuff and people don’t want to be caught without it during the playoffs and definitely not during the Super Bowl!  On February 3rd, you’ll be able to buy all of it you could ever dream of, and then some stupid local TV station, Ron Burgundy wannabe, will quip about its magic reappearance!  What tightens my jaw is the stupidity of people taking their eyes off the ball and piddling around with trivia while the house burns down around them. 

I’ve got more to say on the Obamacare catastrophe (oh yes, lot’s more), but Mr. Jack Ball, Rex Huppke laid a colossal egg with his trite little attempt at farce, black humor?  What a dope.  Actually, what a Blasted Fool.